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Open Letter
To the Governor of Nizhny Novgorod Region, Valery Shantsev
From city resident Osipov I.V.
Dear deeply beloved Valery Pavlinovich!
I am very fond of one of your ideas. This idea has become my favorite idea; I have thought about it a great deal and am even prepared to submit a rationalization proposal. One that may perhaps assist the development of our beloved city, the Plan of Putin, and Shantsev's Strategy.
(A reminder: in the month of July, the Governor visited Japan and was infected — in the good sense, of course — by the idea of constructing a high-speed road between Moscow and Nizhny Novgorod. According to the Governor's concept, a train would cover this distance in 1.5 hours, which would be of incredible benefit to the development of the Nizhny Novgorod Region, attracting capital, investment, logistics companies, and even labor.
The press is simply overflowing with references:
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In a recent statement, Valery Pavlinovich even revealed his personal interest, and a decidedly non-mercenary one at that: "…The Governor admits this possibility for himself as well. 'I could sleep in Moscow and come to work in the morning. My children and grandchildren are there, so being able to visit them more often while working productively would be wonderful,' says the Governor.")
How pleasant it would be for us ordinary Nizhny Novgorod residents — and for the Governor's grandchildren — if this ultra-modern line running on a reinforced-concrete viaduct, with fantastical Japanese trains, interchanges, and stations, at a preliminary estimated total cost of a mere 300 billion rubles, were actually built!
And so here is my rationalization proposal:
To hell with the road, Valery Pavlinovich — let us instead build a HYPERSPACE TUNNEL! Between Nizhny Novgorod and Moscow!
No no, don't laugh, I'm serious! If such a tunnel were built, the travel time between Nizhny and Moscow would amount to a mere fraction of a second. You'll agree that's better than an hour and a half. If this can be done — and Einstein (an authoritative scientist, unlike your Japanese engineers) assures us that it is possible — then the benefit would be not only for you and your dear grandchildren but for all Nizhny Novgorod residents, and it would be immeasurable!!!!!! Our students would be able to enroll in Moscow universities and live at home; people would be able to commute to work in Moscow; never mind the logistics centers — even our shabby Nizhny Novgorod Airport would develop, since it would be easier for Muscovites to get there than to Sheremetyevo…..
Given that every right-thinking person understands that construction of a high-speed railway within our lifetime is impossible (absolutely impossible, terrifyingly impossible, with a probability identically equal to zero), since our city has not built a single ordinary two-level intersection or bypass since the days of socialism, the construction of the ring road has been dragging on for decades, along with the metro bridge — a Japanese train on a viaduct to Moscow is certainly not going anywhere.
And given that the probability of building a hyperspace tunnel is also equal to zero… my project is better! Because, while equally unfeasible, it is more grandiose, more beautiful, and — it must be noted — promises greater convenience for Nizhny Novgorod residents. And most importantly, no one will seriously attempt to implement it, unlike yours, and no one will wastefully squander budget money through executive foolishness.Respectfully yours, Ilya Osipov. P.S.: I am in good health; certificates from the clinic and from a psychiatrist are attached to this application.
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